Understand the three signs of potential bullying and learn how to communicate with your child and their school about coping with a care of bullying.

One out of every five kids reports being bullied, and even kids who aren't targeted directly can feel the pain it causes. While each bullying situation is unique, there are three elements that are universal to the experience.  Understanding what constitutes bullying and identifying the signs of bullying can help us both try to prevent it from happening and help our child cope with it.

The elements of bullying

Not every altercation or negative interaction is bullying.  There are three key elements of bullying you should look for:

1: A Pattern of Behavior

Bullying is not a one-time incident. It's a series of actions that happen over and over again. It's not the occasional schoolyard disagreement or an isolated tease from a friend. True bullying is a pattern where the same person or group is targeted repeatedly.

2: A Power Imbalance

Often, bullies target those they see as vulnerable, using their perceived weakness to dominate and control them. It's like a seesaw where one side is always heavier, keeping the other side stuck in the air. This imbalance might be based on physical strength, popularity, or even knowledge of personal secrets.

3: Malicious Intent

At the heart of bullying lies a deliberate desire to harm, belittle, or intimidate. It's not just a mere disagreement or innocent teasing; it's an intentional act driven by a need to exert control or cause pain.

What Are the Signs My Child Is Getting Bullied?

Every child is unique, and they might react differently to bullying. Yet, there are  common signs parents can watch for:

1. Physical Injuries: Such as unexplained bruises, cuts, or scratches.

2. Damaged or Missing Belongings: Including clothes, jewelry, and tech

3. Reluctance to Go to School: Sudden aversion or excuses to skip school, which may present as early morning headaches or stomach aches

4. Sleeping Problems: Nightmares, insomnia, or even excessive sleep

5. Changes in Eating Habits: Skipping meals, binge eating, or coming home hungry.

6. Drop in Academic Performance: Declining grades or disinterest in schoolwork, especially in topics they once enjoyed.

7. Mood Swings and Emotional Distress: Increased irritability, sadness, or anger, particularly after school.

8. Withdrawal from Social Activities: Avoiding group events or old friends.

9. Decreased Self-esteem: Expressions of helplessness or feelings of unworthiness.

10. Talks of Self-harm or Suicidal Thoughts: Children may talk about wanting to hurt themselves or wishing they were dead. Any talk of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, requires immediate attention and should be discussed with your child’s pediatrician, school counselor and/or mental health professionals.

If you notice any of these changes in your child, it's important to take them seriously. They could indicate that your child is facing challenges at school or elsewhere.

How Can I Help My Child Stand Up Against Bullies?

Take Action Quickly

Addressing bullying concerns as soon as they arise is crucial. Immediate responses signal to your child that their feelings are valid and that they're not alone in tackling this issue. It also shows bullies that their actions won't be overlooked or dismissed. At the same time, be patient and encourage them to share their feelings at their own pace. Show your willingness to listen and provide support when they're ready.

Role-Playing

Practice makes perfect. Use role-playing sessions at home to help your child develop assertive responses to potential bullying scenarios. This not only equips them with tools to address bullying, but also boosts their confidence in handling tough situations.

Encourage Bystander Intervention

It’s important to teach your child the value of stepping in when they see others being bullied. This approach not only helps victims, but it reinforces the importance of empathy and collective responsibility. When children understand and practice empathy, they become more likely to intervene and support their peers.

Dispel Common Myths

Phrases like "don't be a tattletale" have long deterred children from reporting bullying. It's essential to clarify the difference between causing trouble and seeking help for genuine concerns. Assure your child that speaking up when they or someone else is in distress is commendable and essential.

How To Work With Your School If Your Child Is Bullied

All 50 states now have anti-bullying laws, which means parents and schools have a joint responsibility to address this issue. Here's a step-by-step guide to addressing bullying at your child’s school:

1. Establish and Document the Incident: Start by talking with both the school and your child about the incident. Keep a record of these conversations and any evidence that emerges.
2. Review Policies and Laws: Know the school’s anti-bullying policies. Also, familiarize yourself with your state's specific laws on bullying.
3. Report the Incident to the School: If it happened in the classroom: Talk to the teacher first. If needed, involve the principal. Outside of the classroom: Report directly to the principal.
4. Monitor the School’s Action: Watch how the school handles the situation. Keep all written communications and note any continued instances of bullying.
5. Escalation: If bullying doesn't stop in two weeks, contact the district superintendent in writing and by phone.

Knowing your child is bullied can make a parent or caregiver feel frustrated and helpless. But as we’ve outlined above, there are ways you can help your child both end the bullying and cope with the emotional imapct of bulliyng.

‍